Tuesday, October 09, 2012

How Does She Even Know?

Family Prayer tonight---volunteered by Kinlee---ended off with a special & often sought for blessing for her "Daddy and his back" and a surprise choice in words of prayer for Momma that she'll "be happier while I'm away."
How does she even know how very saddened and empty I feel some days while she is away at school all day long?! Today was one of those somewhat tough days in just that way...I really was sad and unmotivated while she was away. My empty house seems to taunt me in my biggest pushed away thoughts. It mocks me in a way only someone in my situation could ever fully grasp. It's like it's laughing at my unspoken feelings of hurt and loneliness. Loneliness only for the children I do not have. A spirit to spirit aching and heart ache that can't be expressed, but when I return every morning from dropping my baby off there it is. it doesn't help, I'm sure, that every morning is such a ritual with prayer and scripture, hugs, "I Love You!"s and multiple kisses. It's no wonder, that more often than not it pricks that sore and painful relentless spot in my heart. Of course, it also doesn't help my problem that I watch her every step as she walks eagerly across the school yard while signing I Love You back toward me, waving periodically and sometimes even yelling out a goodbye or Love You all before she gets swallowed up by the big metal school doors where she ends up spending the bigger chunk of our day---away from me.
As you can tell, I get sentimental over this and I think it's amplified today by a few factors. One, we just had a four-day weekend which means 24-7 togetherness and a spiritual high too as we went thru the Temple twice and listened to the Prophet and general authorities the rest of it. Not to mention a family Thanksgiving dinner at Moms. And this may just add to my sentimental mood....

Once I got my motivation after learning how to be "happier" while Kinlee was at School...I set out to pack up my bookshelves, Kinlee's bookshelves, craft Cupboards and even took down some home decor & packed em up in some of the boxes I picked up. I suddenly realized what a big job this is going to be. We've lived in this house for over 7 years...suddenly up and moving is not going to be as simple as I thought even if the move is only right across the road.
I had a teary little moment as I stacked the last box of the day on top and stood back to look at my days labor.
But those thoughts will have to wait.
Mont and Kinlee and I drove to Calgary on Thanksgiving day and took the Temple Tour together. It was so beautiful and spiritual. And special to get to be in the walls of that sacred House of The Lord being all together. There's so much peace within those walls. I still feel it even stronger each time I go in to the Celestial Room. This time Kinlee said every single room is her favorite one but that she especially loved the Sealing Room, but still hard to pick because she just loves the Brides Room and the Celestial Room too. She even went so far as to say her favorites were all the ones with sparkly chandelier light. What a great opportunity! On our way out we saw an old friend we made & had over for dinner years ago (Corey) and his girlfriend standing in line to see the Temple. Neither one are members of the LDS church. I loved seeing how many non-LDS people were coming through on their own free will. How fantastic is that?!
Also saw my cousin (in-law) Cameron as we were leaving the Temple and asked if he'd take a picture of us a we left. Good guy that he is, he agreed to it.

Then I made Mont get another because I really wanted one with the majority of the Temple behind us...didn't turn out quite so good but still...I love the memory this day has already proved to be. Beautiful and special and so amazing to share it with the two I am sealed for eternity to! I love my family and felt so fortunate, so thankful and so blessed for so many amazing blessings on Thanksgiving Day!!
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1 comment:

Heidi said...

What an amazing and special daughter you have. You are blessed to have her. I also ache for your aching. Love you!